THE PAPARAZZI

Oh look it’s the paparazzi again!. I’m sick and tired of it. Someone approached me while I was on a walk with my twins today and said “are those twins?, I bet people ask you that all the time?”. Well yes, when you make a statement like “I bet people ask you that all the time”, you are just make yourself look very stupid. You need to think before you ask a question. I understand you have a need to make small talk with complete strangers, but hey that’s what prisons are for. I’m busy making sure my kids don’t run into the street, and you’re just asking stupid questions. P.S. Don’t come near my kids with that cigarette in your mouth. C’mon brains!

I’m also getting really tired of hearing ‘oh twins, my grandmother’s dogs nephew had twins’ . I don’t care. I know it sounds cold. But think about random strangers approaching you all time. Imagine I approached you and commented on your child. “Oh you know I also have a relative with a five year old”. Stop it!. Unless you have something really important to say or you’re going to offer to babysit please continue walking. Also please move your annoying questions on to someone else. Don’t stand directly in front of the stroller, blocking my way, peering in as if you’re looking at some weird caged exotic monkeys at the zoo. I’m not usually this annoyed but it’s an at least daily thing. I feel like an unemployed celebrity.

The truth is I love having twins. Except it took a big toll on my body, jeez did I gain weight during that pregnancy!. Sure they make a mess. But hey they really do entertain each other. Yes, they have their occasional battles in the hallway. But most problems with two year old children can be solved by a cookie. Seriously, all you need is a cookie. You can waste your time in those parenting classes being taught by some single lady who never had kids, or you can buy a cookie. Yea, I think I’ll buy a cookie. Please don’t tell the kids I ate all the passover chocolate their grandfather gave them for passover. OK I may have a few left. However, I’m worried they’re gonna fight over the leftover chocolate so I’m going to eat it all.

I decided this year to get a babysitter instead of bringing the kids to the passover Seder. This goes back to the ‘cookie’ thing. Do you really think that a two year old wants to be sitting at a table at 9 pm?. No, a two year old wants a cookie, and to be in bed by 7 pm. Honestly, I don’t know why they complain so much. They wake up , play, poop, play, sleep, and so on. They pretty much live like pandas. I have never heard of pandas complaining. Maybe we should get some pandas to teach our two year olds to stop being so cranky.

Lucky for me it’s passover, so My in laws have graciously offered to watch them for the week. It’s nice to be able to get some schoolwork, but I still go over there to take them for ‘walkies’ and teach them how to approapriately cross a Quebec road. You look both ways, run like heck, and don’t walk underneath bridges.

I think children fill a certain void. I never understood that until I had children. People complain that parenting is so difficult. You know things are only as difficult as you make them. All you need to be a good parent is a cookie and panda. You’ll have a permanent babysitter, a happy child, and hopefully a large backyard.

Cheers!, please tune in to 1650 AM 8 pm Sunday, I will be talking about your personal love life, just kidding. I will be discussing ‘odd news’ on ‘moist turkey talk’

I will also be doing some stand up comedy at L’unik 850 decarie this Saturday at 9 pm