Defeated senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown should have a great slogan for his political career: “My name is Scott Brown, vote for me or I’ll knock you down.” This time, however, he will be wooing the people of New Hampshire to take the seat from Jeanne Shaheen.
“He needs to change his image,” said Republican strategist Niles Neembrain, who councils candidates on living up to the image he creates for thousands of dollars. “Scott was seen as a staunch Conservative when he won the Massachusetts seat but he let the Tea Party down, showing fatal signs of liberalism and getting put down by Sarah Palin. Now he has to show the core of his party that he would never again pose nude or defend a healthcare plan and that he listens regularly to Ted Nugent’s records.”
A Brown friend said, “Some folks think Jerry Brown and Scott are brothers and that means Scott leans liberal but it ain’t true. Just look at their heads and you see that their father could not be the same man since Scott has a head of hair like a movie star and Jerry is pretty much a beanhead.”
Scott was introduced recently in a Sheraton Hotel in Portsmouth to announce he is running.
A strong supporter, Rex Houdyshell, showed up excited to hear Scott would be announcing his candidacy. Houdyshell is a systems engineer who hunts for Bigfoot in his spare time.
Also showing up for Scott’s speech was Edgar Tupperloin, an assembly line worker who heads a group that scours Loch Ness for its legendary monster.
“Carpetbaggers like Scott Brown are tough as leather,” said Tupperloin. “Who wouldn’t want a leather bag? When compared to plastic bags and other synthetics, leather is the kind of tough you want people to identify with you. Those original carpetbaggers all used leather.”
Though Houdyshell has not admitted to seeing Bigfoot, Tupperloin claims to have seen the Loch Ness Monster.
“I saw Nessie, that’s what they call her, though I like Bridget myself, in the northeast end of the river. She looked very … how can I put this? She looked Conservative. She looked like if legendary lady creature of the deep could get the vote in New Hampshire that she would push the button for Scott Brown.”
Brown wants to convince voters he should not be considered a moderate. Former Gov. John Sununu is backing Brown, saying that people have to see that Brown is “coming back to his roots.” Brown agreed, saying that he not only loved the original “Roots” series but he completed watching the second series, “Roots: The Next Generation.”
State Republican Party know-it-all Benson Forterie, said, “A lot of candidates in both parties confuse the ‘Roots’ continuation with the ‘Star Trek’ continuation because of the ‘next generation’ words in the title. But Scott Brown has shown there is no confusion on his part.”
One Brown supporter said, “I am sure Senator Shaheen doesn’t know the difference in those two series and I don’t think she has seen either if you ask me.”
Republicans have been searching for a strong candidate to challenge Shaheen.
“He or she doesn’t have to be ultra-conservative,” said one Republican Party official, “but he or she has to have the gumption to talk against the liberal administration that is ruining the country, trashing the Constitution and making the rest of the world think we are pussy-footing coward stinkers. Brown can do that. His name may be Brown but his nose isn’t, if you know what I mean.”
But other Republican officials are for Jim Rubens, who threw his hat into the race before Brown announced.
“Rubens lost his hat in that skirmish,” said a Republican official. “I never thought he would take the act literally but he did.”
Sununu doesn’t mind the carpetbagging. He said that even though Brown grew up in Massachusetts, he was “virtually” born in New Hampshire. Brown, of course, was actually born in Maine but his family moved to Massachusetts when young Brown showed signs of being mentally challenged in the subject of spelling.
“He couldn’t spell the name of the state where he was born,” said a childhood friend of Scott. “His parents knew even back then that spelling was an important skill, especially spelling things right, so they moved and forced Scott to learn to spell a state with tough spelling. It worked.”
It worked for Massachusetts but Brown insiders (who, so as not to be confused with the construction of this sentence, are causation) say that Scott Brown still cannot correctly spell “Arkansas” without ending it with a “w.”
The Shaheen camp claims not to be too concerned about the senator’s re-election chances.
“We got no problem being up against a Brown or a Rubens,” said a campaign volunteer. “What’s a candidate doing with a name like a sandwich, anyway? And we have no problem with the endorsement from the former governor, Sununu? How many times can a person used the letter ‘u’ in a name and be taken seriously?”
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