PENNSYLVANIA/ Frank Cotolo — Amid the current combo of crisis around the globe today comes the striking criticism of President Obama’s policies from all political parties and political pundits and political junkies and political bloggers.
A common thread throughout the editorials is a comparison to President Ronald Reagan.
“Obama doesn’t stand up for our country, price ” said a political analyst who never liked the idea of a candidate named Mitt. “He isn’t rough and tumble and he doesn’t ride a horse. Reagan rode a horse and that told the world that our leader was leading the cavalry charge.”
“First of all, pilule ” said a man secretly working on Rick Santorum’s next presidential campaign, rx “let’s look at the man’s head. Obama’s hair doesn’t have the strong, masculine swirl like Reagan’s hair. Reagan used his hair to accentuate an emphasis on strength and policy. And let’s not forget God, who gave Reagan that head of hair and made him a movie star.”
A show-of-hands poll conducted by a Wyoming newspaper that is on the brink of shutting down showed that more people feel they would be more comfortable knowing Ronald Reagan was in the White House today.
“Isn’t that ridiculous?” said liberal blogger Angst Mayberry. “It would be disgusting if Reagan was in the White House today. He must be so decomposed by now that even his wonderful hair looks dead.”
Considering Reagan’s image and policies, however, we asked people in the political arena what they thought Reagan have done about the dangerous situations the U.S. faces in the new millennium?
Xavier Lemon, whose biography of Reagan comes out in a few years, said, “I studied the man from every angle for my new biography of Reagan that comes out in a few years and I will list in the book what he would have done, going crisis by crisis.”
We asked Mr. Lemon if he would reveal at least one crisis on that list in his biography of Reagan that comes out in a few years.
“I will tell you this,” Lemon said, “that if Reagan were President and the terror army known as ISIS was beheading Americans, Reagan would start to behead a few Americans, too, just to show ISIS that the gesture doesn’t scare us.”
Americans seem to remember Reagan as an aggressive, stalwart leader.
“Reagan didn’t take no [guff],” said a senator we could not identify by his face. “The Russians, for instance. Putin would never have stacked soldiers on the borders of Ukraine if Reagan was President. Putin would be afraid that Reagan might say, ‘Hey, bomb those Russians stacked on the borders of Ukraine’ and there would be no Ukraine crisis.”
Was fear Reagan’s greatest weapon?
“Hell no,” said a former White House aide that worked in the Reagan administration and knew other former actors turned politicians, like George Murphy. “You only fear someone after they show they can do something bad. Reagan ordered planes to kill Omar Kadafi and the shots missed and killed some of Omar’s family instead. Reagan said, ‘Well tough [crap] anyway, that will send a message.’ And Kadafi went to his generals and said, ‘Don’t screw with Reagan no more because he killed some of my family and what’s worse is those bullets were meant for me’ and his generals all did in their uniforms, that is what intelligence reports told us in the White House.”
A senator John McCain look-alike who claims he takes McCain’s place on the Senate floor sometimes and speaks, just to see if anyone is paying attention (this comes with the blessing of the McCain people), said, “ISIS soldiers would be strewn across the dessert now if Reagan was President. There would be ISIS arms on this side of the road and ISIS legs on that side of the road and we would see photos of President Reagan laughing in the Oval Office in TV news reports on a split screen, with his laughing on the right and the ISIS carnage from our bombers on the left.”
Even though President Obama has used air strikes against ISIS and has used countless drone attacks to thwart terrorist lairs around the globe, his critics don’t feel he is as strong as Reagan.
“If Reagan was around and had the use of drones,” said an older Reagan supporter who was an extra in some Reagan movies, “those suckers would be nailing anyone connected to terrorists groups in every country and the whole kit and caboodle of them would be killed in a matter of a month, maybe two weeks even. With Obama it is taking years to kill them all.”
“A president leads,” said Republican strategist Len Livatore, who tried to get Reagan to do more movies after his term as President was over. “Leading means showing muscle, dropping bombs and pretty much squeezing the testicles off of chumps like Putin and the drug cartels that are sending all those kids over the border.”
So how would Reagan have handled the current immigration crisis?
“Rifles,” said Livatore. “Snipers would be placed along the border, hidden and aiming at anyone trying to sneak into the country.”
Would not that mean the death of, perhaps, innocent children?
“Perhaps,” Livatore said, “but there would only have to be a single death. Then the bad guys would know Reagan meant business and they would do in their khakis in fear and send all of the kids back to their own countries. If Reagan had one of the cartel members shot, the others would probably say, ‘We can’t do this drug smuggling business anymore or Reagan will have us all shot.’ That’s they way I feel and most people feel. I can speak for most people, too, because I am an American and Americans are free to speak their minds and show patriotism and hate Presidents from Kenya.”
Rip Torn, Ted Cruz, Tom Cruise and members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir were unavailable for comment.
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