HARRISBURG, purchase Penn./Frank Cotolo – Democratic nominees for positions in this year’s fall elections must decide now if they want President Obama to appear on their behalf because the President is about to hit the campaign trail and his plane has to know where and where not to stop. Marrington Stealthworty, advice an assistant to a source on Air Force One, there told us that this season, because the President’s poll numbers are so low, the schedulers have left holes in the travel plans.
“Usually the plane knows exactly where to land and take off,” Stealthworty said, “but this time we don’t have to follow an exact route, just in case some candidates change their mind and want the President to show up at a stump speech or a barbeque or a wet t-shirt rally.”
Those low poll numbers are haunting Democrats as they run for office.
Rake Pullstop, who is running for a local tax auditor spot in Missouri, said, “Voters don’t want to see the President because some say he isn’t even American and he never read the Constitution. I don’t say that but I have to get votes to win so I respect the lies people believe.”
That is a majority feeling among a lot of candidates.
“I had a debate with my opponent,” said a candidate for a local seat in the New Hampshire state house, “and every time he said ‘the Kenyan King of America’ the crowd roared. When I said the President reduced taxes, had bin Laden killed, reduced the deficit and lowered taxes for the middle class, the crowd threw crushed beer cans at me. I needed sixteen stitches from two of them.”
A CBS News poll in August shoed that 40 percent of Americans approved of the President’s handling of the economy. The number drops to 36 percent concerning his foreign policies, to 20 percent concerning his policy about protecting our borders, to 9 percent concerning his choice of suits to wear in public and to 2 percent concerning his knowledge of the Constitution.
“And those are Democrats,” said polster Adrian Barbeau, not to be confused with the actress whose name sounds exactly like Adrian Barbeau. “Lots of people think I am that actress from the Swamp Thing movies but I am a man, for one.”
Republicans respond to the lack of interest in the President appearing at party campaign events by laughing aloud, sometimes gathering in packs at local barber shops and convenience stores to laugh in harmony.
“It’s a first,” said Conservative blogger B. Stewart Bombshell. “Not only has no other President been this low in the polls during a midterm election but no U.S. President born in another country has been so low in the polls.”
“My campaign needs to create distance between the President and my campaign, which needs distance from the President,” said Democratic candidate Ed “The Repeater” Bolt. “His job performance is dismal, like his job performance, and if people think I am following his policies or backing the policies the President pursues, or condones, as the case may be, this case in particular, then voters are going to associate me with the President, like we are alike, and then the voters and all people who register their ballots when election day allows people to vote and have their votes counted, then I lose and by losing I mean I don’t win.”
White House officials, so says a source, still feel the President can be a plus to candidates.
“He is a plus to me,” said Republican Wild Bill Butterworth, who is running for sheriff in a western town that still elects sheriffs. “I wish he could show up for a rally I am having to disgrace my opponent, a liberal named Oyster Benjamin, who doesn’t believe in making notches on his holster when he kills someone.”
The midterms could give the Republicans control of the House and Senate and that would make President Obama a lame duck.
“He would not get approval for anything he wanted,” said liberal blogger Peter “Save The Whales” Broan. “It would be like we don’t have a President, which, of course, is like it has been since he was elected the first time if you ask guys like Donald Trump.”
When asked to comment, a source at Mr. Trump’s office said, “We have to close our casino in Atlantic City. Do you think if we had a President that may not have been born in this country that we would have to close our casino in Atlantic City? Duh!”
“All in all,” wrote the mystery blogger known only as Mister Objective, “the presence of President Obama at any campaign rally will mean nothing because most people have already made up their minds who they will vote for in the midterms. Some have decided Republican, while others have decided Democrat and some others may write in the names of people who could not possibly get enough write-in votes to win.”
Mister Objective more than suggests that the disparity between the two parties is so vast in 2014 that no one will dare cross over because of any particular figure or philosophy.
Mister Objective wrote, “That last statement you read is a quote and yet they printed it as if it was their own constructed statement. That is not fair but in this day and age fairness is a rarity and rarities are common.”
Ed “The Repeater” Bolt agreed. He said, “In this day and age, in our times, fairness is a rarity, something hardly seen or heard or smelled or tasted, and rarities are common, if not ordinary.”
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