Political Pulp correspondent Philip Castirion-Pan filed this special report in order to justify a two-week stay in Nevada and further his career. ~Frank Cotolo
BOULDER CITY, Nevada/ Philip Castirion-Pan –Rumors have been confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, who has served as the Democratic Party’s leader since 2005, will not seek reelection in 2016.
“Some people say he’s retiring but I say he’s just not going to work in that position, anymore,” Junior-Deputy Press Secretary Freshman Craig Burglehorn, 89, said. “He’s represented us Nevadans since I was six-years-old and I trust he knows what he’s doing.”
“He said to me, ‘I can’t see myself running for reelection. Literally, I can barely see anything nowadays, with the eye injury and all,’” Toddler Fingleschmidt, Senior-Sophomore Secretary of Rotaries for Reid, said.
Reports from one of Reid’s offices in Boulder City, home to the famed Rock and the Hard Place, say that the senator is planning the “most gnarly going-away bash Capitol Hill will ever see.”
“Believe or not, Reid is a party monster,” Junior Phone Operator at the Boulder City office Kyleson Tin-Miner said. “Reid was the life of every fiesta,” he also said, emphasizing the phrase “fiesta,” proceeding with a smug chuckle.
Kyleson, who majored in Political Parties when studying at Mount Universities Community College, says that Reid’s celebration will be more “off-the-hook” than the last one, which was hosted by President Bill Clinton before George W. Bush took office.
‘Harry Reid: Party Monster’ is the working title for a documentary by Michael Moore following Reid’s escapades as the life of the party. Here he is recovering after an off-the-hook evening at the Democratic National Convention.
“I was at the Clinton party,” Kyleson said, “and it does not even come close to the one Reid is throwing. Of course, Clinton’s was partially motivated, because he felt like trashing the place before ‘Double-U’ took office. Oddly enough, Bush never threw a shindig despite his history as a party deviant.”
Kyleson requested we not identify him as the source for leaked information about the ball Reid will throw.
“He’s gonna have everything,” the anonymous Kyleson said. “The pasta lobby requested there be a kiddies pool stuffed with ziti, so that’ll be there. The sand lobby also wanted a makeshift beach put in Senator McConnell’s office. That may be there, depending on whether or not Mitch leaves ‘the shell,’ as the Congressmen call it. Oh, and the piñata lobby wanted there to be a piñata but we don’t know what it will be in the shape of yet.”
Kyleson, remaining anonymous, continued on the “radical awesomeness” in-store for this get together.
“There will be,” Kyleson said, then moved to a whisper, “medicinal marijuana there.” He moved to his normal voice after. “Not even Clinton had that.”
“Oh, and Ted Cruz is not invited.”
Republicans are outraged by the Democrats’ act of partisan war by excluding Cruz from the “biggest bash ever to hit Capitol Hill.”
We contacted Senator Lindsey Graham but only his voicemail answered. We were able to talk with Tyler Dormermormer, the Senior Calendar Maker and Stapler Replacer for Graham’s local offices in Spartanburg, South Carolina.
“Mr. Graham is outraged at this political move made by Reid,” Dormermormer said. “Graham has informed us that the piñata at the party is actually going to be in the shape of the Constitution, so that they could smash it and beat it until they got the Snickers that are inside. Graham actually talked to Rand Paul about it the other day and Rand vowed to throw his own party to counter Reid’s. The tentative location is on his island in the middle of Kentucky, where he lives in a van down by the shore.”
We asked what would be at Rand’s “anti-Reid-going-away bash” and Dormermormer asked to be anonymous for leaking information.
“Firstly, they are going to trade collectors’ magazine clips with their favorite Bible verses engraved. Then, they are going to play ‘Pin the Quill on James Madison’s Hand,’ and at midnight they are going to have a pillow fight with pillows composed of the beard shavings representing the facial hair of Abraham Lincoln.”
We told Kyleson about the anti-party Rand was throwing. He said, “Lame.”
Karl Rove was unavailable for comment.
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