Top Ten Reasons to Have Twins!

Nothing like a fresh start. It’s finally done, the semester is finished. Thankfully, we voted no to the strike and did not get suspended. Woah, I mean extended. Take it as you wish. Vanier happens to have a mold problem and is located between two cemetery’s. I’m glad I finished the semester, and I’m also glad to be alive.

Balancing school, stage, comedy, and raising the twins has become very tiring for me. However, I’ve learned to balance and organize everything. When I say ‘balance’ I mean it literally. I mean being able to pick up both twins at once (no use for the gym anymore). But it’s over. I can finally concentrate on the important things like taking my kids to the park, and washing the tomato sauce of the ceiling which has been there for several months. I’m still uncertain as to how it got there.

Children are not ‘food connoisseurs’ they are ‘food decorators’. If you took Andy Warhol and Monet paintings and spun them in a blender, that’s what my kitchen walls would look like. I’m glad I finally have time to get the kitchen. I’m not sure what’s living in the kitchen sink, but i’ll be honest there are a lot of them, and I hear them talking loudly at night. You hear that Kafka? C’mon help me out. Oh wait you got your own problems.

I don’t use shampoo with the twins. I don’t want to offend the yogurt that has taken residency on their scalps. The twins are developing different food taste. Which can honestly be really annoying. Imagine cooking three suppers? I know how my mom felt. She would cook a separate dish for my dad . For some reason she referred to it as ‘dog food’ I’m not sure I want to get into that. The funny part is once the food is actually on the plate (this food they supposedly don’t eat), they will eat and demand more. When I say demand. I mean asking has started to disappear from there vocabulary. I will just see a hand pop out from the stroller, expecting the prompt release of some sort of sugary treat. But having twins is an awesome experience, so here’s this:

Top ten reason twins are awesome:

1-Double Halloween candy.
2-You can dress them up in matching vintage 1850’s clothes, have them stand in middle of a hotel hallway and scare the **** out of people.
3-They can watch each other.
4- You can teach them the repeat game, and use it at your discretion.
5- It’s way easier when you just buy two of everything.
6- You can grab one in each arm and run down the street yelling “PANDA!”
7-You are the celebrity of the peasants.
8-Watching people have the most confused look on their face when they notice the other twin.
9-Bench-press.
10- They can share a swing, until they grow old enough and get stuck there for a month.

On another note, I got to perform tonight at a place I have a special connection to. I got to perform at the Miriam home. I got my first job there, and my older brother lives in a Miriam The audience members have intellectual impairments, and were amazingly responsive to us. “Why did the chicken..?” seemed to have been the joke of the night, and the animal impression were hysterical! It was a beautiful show, and I hope to be there in the near future.

I hope you enjoyed this post, and please comment. would love some feedback.

A poem about twins

I wrote this several months ago:

Two to wash,
there’s two to dry,
there’s two who argue,
there’s two who cry.
One’s in the mud, having a ball,
the other holds a crayon, another marked wall.
Some days seem endless, my patience grows thin.
Why was I chosen me to be a father of twins?
The answer comes clear at the end of each day,
as I tuck them in bed and to myself I say…
There’s two to kiss, there’s two to hug;
and best of all, two to love

There are some changes from when I wrote this poem. Now I’m chasing them all over the house. It’s quite amusing, and hard not laugh when there’s two naked babies babbling and running around the hallway. Of course, the humor subsides when one them urinates on the floor. When I give them a bath, one will likely be smacking a bath toy against the other ones head. It wouldn’t be so bad if there wasn’t that ear to ear grin thing going on.

She’ll scream, and I’ll come ‘rescue’ her. The arguing has turned to egocentric babbling. “Merri no nice!” , and then the baby will scream and cry (or “Bella no nice!”). The crayons have long disappeared. They have been coloured with, and then consumed. Crayons taste way better then meals, and every toddler will concur (notably the red ones).

The mud still retains it’s novelty. Toddlers love dirt. My mother used to say ‘dirt makes you grow’. When I see people with very clean babies it depresses me. Children should be dirty. Not filthy, but dirty. They should roll around in the mud once in awhile. I love having a clean house, but coming from a family of eleven a clean house meant you took a shovel and dug your way in.

I’m not saying my house is a big sty. I’m saying if pigs for looking for a hotel for the weekend, they would likely vacation in it. Well OK, that is a pretty big exaggeration. Everyone knows pigs don’t stay in hotels. My house isn’t that messy sans the tomato sauce that is somehow on the kitchen ceiling. Sans the strewn about children’s toys and clothes.

Lazyness is one of my finer points. I was born large. So large that when I was born they placed me in an incubator. It wasn’t due to health. They were afraid I would eat the other babies!. I do my best to ensure that my twins are active. We go for these ‘strolls’ AKA running up and down the street in both directions chasing them. They have learned ‘stop’, and wait at intersections unlike the rest of Quebec.

Having twins is a blessing . For me it provides constant inspiration for my stand up comedy. I was told by a friend of mine “don’t look as children as a burden because it may be difficult to book shows and get out there, look at them as an inspiration”. I love that, and it still resonates with me. My experiences raising children will continue to be interesting, full of work, but most importantly humorous.

Today I had the opportunity to go for lunch with several of my comic friends. I brought the twins along, and they really enjoyed it. Children will enjoy any place where there is ice cream at their disposal. Or any food that makes a filthy mess all over the place. One thing one of the twins has developed is placing french fries in her apple juice, then sticking her hand in the cup and eating the apple juice fries?. Yuck.

Have a great everyone, and remember if a toddler wants to hold your hand, chances are its covered in sticky candy.

THE PAPARAZZI

Oh look it’s the paparazzi again!. I’m sick and tired of it. Someone approached me while I was on a walk with my twins today and said “are those twins?, I bet people ask you that all the time?”. Well yes, when you make a statement like “I bet people ask you that all the time”, you are just make yourself look very stupid. You need to think before you ask a question. I understand you have a need to make small talk with complete strangers, but hey that’s what prisons are for. I’m busy making sure my kids don’t run into the street, and you’re just asking stupid questions. P.S. Don’t come near my kids with that cigarette in your mouth. C’mon brains!

I’m also getting really tired of hearing ‘oh twins, my grandmother’s dogs nephew had twins’ . I don’t care. I know it sounds cold. But think about random strangers approaching you all time. Imagine I approached you and commented on your child. “Oh you know I also have a relative with a five year old”. Stop it!. Unless you have something really important to say or you’re going to offer to babysit please continue walking. Also please move your annoying questions on to someone else. Don’t stand directly in front of the stroller, blocking my way, peering in as if you’re looking at some weird caged exotic monkeys at the zoo. I’m not usually this annoyed but it’s an at least daily thing. I feel like an unemployed celebrity.

The truth is I love having twins. Except it took a big toll on my body, jeez did I gain weight during that pregnancy!. Sure they make a mess. But hey they really do entertain each other. Yes, they have their occasional battles in the hallway. But most problems with two year old children can be solved by a cookie. Seriously, all you need is a cookie. You can waste your time in those parenting classes being taught by some single lady who never had kids, or you can buy a cookie. Yea, I think I’ll buy a cookie. Please don’t tell the kids I ate all the passover chocolate their grandfather gave them for passover. OK I may have a few left. However, I’m worried they’re gonna fight over the leftover chocolate so I’m going to eat it all.

I decided this year to get a babysitter instead of bringing the kids to the passover Seder. This goes back to the ‘cookie’ thing. Do you really think that a two year old wants to be sitting at a table at 9 pm?. No, a two year old wants a cookie, and to be in bed by 7 pm. Honestly, I don’t know why they complain so much. They wake up , play, poop, play, sleep, and so on. They pretty much live like pandas. I have never heard of pandas complaining. Maybe we should get some pandas to teach our two year olds to stop being so cranky.

Lucky for me it’s passover, so My in laws have graciously offered to watch them for the week. It’s nice to be able to get some schoolwork, but I still go over there to take them for ‘walkies’ and teach them how to approapriately cross a Quebec road. You look both ways, run like heck, and don’t walk underneath bridges.

I think children fill a certain void. I never understood that until I had children. People complain that parenting is so difficult. You know things are only as difficult as you make them. All you need to be a good parent is a cookie and panda. You’ll have a permanent babysitter, a happy child, and hopefully a large backyard.

Cheers!, please tune in to 1650 AM 8 pm Sunday, I will be talking about your personal love life, just kidding. I will be discussing ‘odd news’ on ‘moist turkey talk’

I will also be doing some stand up comedy at L’unik 850 decarie this Saturday at 9 pm

Family

Hope you have been enjoying the beautiful weather we’ve been having.

Because it was so nice out today, I tried walking home with the kids today. Which would have worked, had my two year old not decided to inspect the Cars in the car rental parking lot. Or wander down random driveways, or attempt to drink out of a soda can she spotted on the ground. Back to the stroller it was!. I fed them there usual ‘I-don’t-care-what-it-is-as-long-as-we-can-rub-it-all-over-our-hair-and-the-couch’ meal. Which they really enjoyed.

They always watch the Flintstones during dinner or as they call it ‘bam! Bam!’ . I can finish every single sentence in that movie. If it will keep them occupied while they eat dinner, that is the way to go! My floor is generally well fed.

I’m glad to have finally found the time to write another entry. I have been very busy with school. I just finished my mid-terms and made my best attempts at staying awake throughout the entire exam (s). Finally finished with that!. I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with my little ones this week .

I’ve had a really busy week already. I did a show Sunday, went up north, I’m doing comedy show for the elderly Tuesday night, and will be working with my friends with physical disabilities (I did an internship at a centre that specializes in that field , and work work there from time to time) this week.

I can’t wait to have a day or two to sleep all day, and not get out of bed. So much for that plan!

I took the twins to my stage last week because their daycare was closed for the Purim holiday. The kids loved it! And the seniors loved it. I did too, but it was a very tiring experience! My supervisor insisted I bring them, and I’m glad she did, because of how beneficial it was to the clients. They were so happy! Some of the clients who never smile, were are smiles!

Several of the seniors were certain that the kids had been there the day before (I just went with it, and said ‘well they came to visit again’). The kids really enjoyed throwing a ball back and forth with the seniors, and it was all smiles (this was during their music time) Of course, as usual, everyone would ask if they were twins. An interesting question that I was asked by the seniors and staff was “are those your kids?” Hmmm no I voluntarily take care of people’s twins? No way!

Two year olds don’t like elevators, this was obvious when they grabbed me screaming ‘mommy! Mommy!’

Perhaps, The highlight of the day (besides everyone fussing over them) was seeing the rabbit. The rabbit in the centre is a very large rabbit who looks kind of like a ‘rabbi’ with his huge whiskers, and large furry face. The kids were jumping up and down screaming ‘babbit! Babbit!’ . They also enjoyed look at the birds in the centre , and thought the fish was a rabbit as well.

When I finally left the centre the babies fell asleep in the stroller instantly. That was just the beginning of the day. It was Purim, which meant I had to go to my parents and then my in-laws.

My parents house is about the liveliest place I have ever been to. To illustrate this point, once I was standing outside trying to get into the house (I had the twins with me), and was throwing sticks, rock, and other objects at and into the window while the family was eating, and nobody heard us. Luckily, someone happened to go downstairs and notice us banging on the door. I guess that makes sense when you have over 30 people at every family meal. My kids really enjoy going there, the same way a monkey would enjoy going to a circus.

In contrast, my in laws is the neatest, tidiest, most quiet home (OK, not that quiet) home I’ve ever been to. The babies enjoy both homes. The difference is when I go to get the babies from my in laws they are clean, washed, and ready to go. When I go to get the babies from my parents, I’m satisfied if I can find them under a pile of clothes.

Another thing that’s peculiar about my parents is that I have never seen us run out of food. I mean you would think if you feed 30 people , eventually food would run out? Well I guess when you cook for the Army, you have to be able to feed the troops?.

Well, I was glad to spend a really long day with my kids, and we finally managed to get home. The twin that used to whine about sleeping in the bed with me, now sleeps in her own playpen (ah life is good !). I guess its about that time for me to go hunting for socks in my laundry pile, better go!

Have a great week everyone!

* I was to lazy to get them costumes, so I dressed them up as twins.

Come on! break in!

I hope you’re having a wonderful week. I have been pretty busy with school, comedy, and copy paste (my twins). I recently did a show with Love2Laugh at a seniors residence in Cote Saint Luc. Our organization is a non-profit organization that goes to various places(residences) to perform comedy. We specialize in clean, friendly, and ‘intimate’ comedy. It turned out one of the residents was a close friend of my grandfather. I was amused because I was sitting in the car on the way there, and thought ‘wouldn’t it be cool if I met a friend of the family, or relative at one of these shows.

It was an enjoyable show, and I will be doing a similar show this coming Monday. I have been getting quite busy with comedy. I have several shows lined up for next week, I’m looking at about four shows (depending on the school workload) and will be on just for laughs in a month, just kidding! But hopefully in the near future, and by near I mean a few years probably. I’m going to change topics because I would love to share this thought with the readers. It’s a perspective on would be robbers, here you go;

Well I’m going to start off with breaking into my home; If you were ever to try and break into my home, I would actually feel bad for you. Let’s assume you made it in. You’d be lucky if you would be able to get past my front door, without stumbling over my double stroller. You would probably cuss so loud they would hear you at the local hospital. Believe me if someone is rude to me they will get ‘stroller bumped’ that’s when you ‘accidentally’ hit someone with the bottom sharp part of your stroller.
Doesn’t sound that painful, but believe me it is! Or maybe my neighbour would come talk to you and bore you to death about how she bought some new ‘drawer’ to place her stuff in. If you understand french, you may listen politely but if you’re me you will probably stand there confused, and let her talk until you fall asleep standing.

Oh did you still want to break in? Stroller didn’t attack you? Neighbour didn’t bore you to death? Maybe you would somehow manage to not trip over the strategically placed children’s toys throughout the house. I know they do it on purpose. I see it in their little blue eyes. They wait until I turn around then they place the toys, and BAM!.

They mock me as I stumble like a drunken fool all over the house. OK so if you managed passed that stage. You may have noticed that I have a TV in the living room, well you can keep it, its a nuisance. Or maybe you can steal my VCR? Please? I’m really sick of watching the Flintstones every day.

Oh wait, I have some camera equipment. A small browning camera, its worth $4.24 on eBay its yours!. All toys are yours as long as they ‘light up’ and make annoying nursery rhyme sounds. It seems like those toys never go off. I can turn those things off a thousand times, and some toy will make a friggin duck sound! The worst are those toys that always seem to be ‘dying’ even if you replace the battery a hundred times. I can’t stand children s toys. I think children should just be given a giant rubber ball, some rope, and a big stick. We can throw it all together, draw some faces on everything, and we can call it ‘educational’.

I forgot to mention. Chances are i’ll be awake doing my exercise routine. Assuming ‘exercise routine’ that means watching TV shows while drinking scotch on the rocks in my underwear. If you want a glass of whiskey , you’re welcome to join me as long as you take some old children’s clothes when you leave. With twins, this stuff really piles up. I am also trying to get rid of my Futon. It has every stain imaginable. This is a family blog? Can’t explain that. Seriously, take the futon.

Do you want some kitchen appliances? The guy who used to live hear apparently passed on before I moved in. Maybe he was doing something with a fork, and a toaster and some whiskey who knows? I’m curious, but I know my death will be way more interesting that most people I know.

Oh, I forgot to mention i’m a bachelor. So help yourself to stale salami, sour milk or fresh cottage cheese, century old leftovers, and any other hazardous products you can find. There might be like an awkward rotten vegetable in my fridge. I try to a balanced meal of Carbs, protein, and starch, or more precisely poutine and a beer. Please I’m a single dad just leave me a beer. On your way out, can you do me a favor? Please? Throw in a load of laundry, and take the garbage downstairs? Dont’ leave ! Stay and babysit? I’ll pay you? Take them for a walk? Oh wait this isn’t making sense anymore.

Please don’t take my swivel chair that I found outside. My freind thought my swivel chair gave him bedbugs. Turns out he had got a haircut that day. Yes. I pick them wisely. Truth is, I don’t live that badly. My house isn’t messy it’s ‘child decorated’ . My house is burglar welcome , not burglar proof. You want to break in, hey buddy its your own death. I wouldn’t recommend doing it.

I hope you all have a great week, and if you’re planning on breaking in to houses ‘scout them out’. Don’t break into house where people have children, because if you manage to get into the house, got luck leaving in one piece. Children are amazing be really nice to them, they own you. Treat them that way. If you don’t you’ll end up in a terrible nursing home!

Cheers, Avi Tanny

One Long Weekend!

It has a been an amazing but very very tiring weekend with the twins. I am sitting here trying to remember what I did, but at the same time I am trying to keep my eyes open long enough to write. Well Friday one the twins had her first night terror. For those of you who don’t know what a night terror is, picture the scariest movie you have ever seen, picture that typical child of that horror movie (for some odd reason they are generally twins), remember that scene? Well its kind of like that but worse. It wouldn’t shock me if horror movie filmmakers used their kids ‘night terrors’ as inspiration for horror scenes. I tried to calm her. Nothing. She finally relaxed, and grabbed onto my finger until she calmed down. This all happened at 2 in the morning. I can tolerate the noise and screaming, but was worried about neighbours. Luckily my neighbours take the whole ‘love thy neighbour’ saying to heart, and have always been really nice to me. Several months back one of the babies was screaming so much that they knocked on the door to see what the problem was. Surprisingly, they not only offered to help, they offered to watch the other baby if I needed to go to the hospital. Thankfully, everything turned out OK, and eventually the baby calmed down. There are still very good people out there! Have hope people.

I went online to see what advice I can get. I think Google is a way better physician than a hospital. Although Google is a plethora of misinformation, it has its purpose. Let me explain why, I could wait in an emergency ward for three hours, and wait for some oddball doctor to tell me to, “give her some Tylenol” or I can go to Google, and find that out in 3.4 seconds.

Turns out there isn’t much you can do. Just hang out near the baby, and eventually she’ll calm down. Or play really loud rock music so the neighbour wont hear the baby screaming. In the end it was all OK, got my five-and-half hours of sleep, and took the babies to see their first movie the next day. Of course, once again, manipulating the double stroller up the metro stairs. Generously, an STM worker offered to assistance helping me up the four flights of metro stairs.

Taking twin two year olds to a movie, is to say the least, a very interesting experience. I ‘parked the stroller outside the theatre door, and walked in with a baby on each side, holding their ‘kid snack trays’, and my drink. They could not care less about Alvin and The Chipmunks (as very few people would, i’m certain), they were more intrigued by the popcorn, and kinder surprise in from of them (by the way, Kinder surprises are illegal in the states, yep you can have lots of guns, but no kinder surprise). Surprisingly, we lasted an hour at the movie!. Did I mention I had decided to place my drinks, and babies ‘trays’ on the theatre floor, someone kicked my drink over, and generously went and bought me another one. Overall, I would likely take them to a movie again. That is assuming I had enough ‘ammo’ AKA food stuff to distract them while watching the movie. I would also try to get to the movie early enough, so the theatre is lit up, and I can place the kids in the seats. Rather than stumble all over a dark theatre, making noise, and trying to somehow arrange a twin on each side, and myself in the middle. Perhaps I will see if I have a friend who is willing to go see a movie with my twin two year old girls?. That would be one heck of a friend. Our eventful Saturday progressed, and we continued on our excursions.

We stopped by my house for a little bit. Of course, they took their naps in the stroller on the way home, so guess who doesn’t get a nap!. A couple hours later, I took them to a local charity dinner for an physical disabilities organization I had worked for. They sat for about five minutes, and lucky for me one of my old teachers was there with her child. Her daughter entertained my kids while I pigged out.

So that’s my Saturday! How was yours?